The guarantee for relationships to be maintained over time resides in the attitude of the lovers, not only with respect to the other, but also with respect to oneself
In the beginning of a relationship everything is rolled. There are still no obligations, you are dying to see that person again, you only know their positive side -or, at least, you have no interest in looking at the bad- and you usually only share moments of enjoyment. However, as time progresses that inevitable point comes in which we must take a step forward and stabilize the relationship or, instead, leave everything in the air and the moments together are diluted to finish distancing each other .
In those cases in which it is decided to formalize the relationship is when the real challenge begins , since that is where it is decided to build a common project and share more than moments of pleasure. The success or failure of couples may depend, to some extent, on external factors, but the guarantor for it to be maintained over time resides in the attitude of the lovers , not only with respect to the other, but also with respect to oneself and to the aforementioned external agents. The story of the perfect half-orange with which everything will work like a charm because there is full compatibility does not exist.
Obsessing with each one doing 50% will only generate conflicts and that is more aware that what is done or not done
This does not mean that there are couples in which they seem perfect for each other. Maybe they can have more affinity than usual, but the truth is that they have been able to reach agreements to get the relationship flow in the good times and relativize the bad. It is these small acts that allow them to live day by day in a more harmonious way. Some of these tips are collected by ‘Prevention’ in an interesting article.
Children are not the only thing
It is not uncommon when the children are born, couples focus all their efforts on them. The youngest should be an important part of the family, but you should also take time to take care of the love relationship between one and the other. “The weekly schedule should not be limited only to classes, extracurricular activities and sports of our children,” says Lana , a mother convinced that we must keep the flame of the couple even if there are children involved.
They do not obsess about sharing equally
If you go out for a drink on Friday, you do not have to touch the other the next day. If you wash the dishes for a week, the other does not have to do it for the next few days, etc. Obsessing with each one doing 50% will only generate conflicts and that is more aware of what is done or not done. The important thing is that each one gives his best . “There is no scale to measure a happy relationship, couples should want the best of each other,” say the authors of the book “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts” (Zondervan, 2006), Les and Leslie Parrot .
They are not ignored
Affection is usually presupposed in a relationship, but it must also be demonstrated . Small details such as saying good morning, kissing or caressing when one is, or not, decayed are basic in the day to day. No matter how hackneyed the saying “the touch makes love”, the truth is that it holds a great truth.
They do not wear helmets, but it’s a pretty, pretty picture, of course. (iStock)
They do not look for the best moment
It is clear that the professional career and work obligations reduce the time for one. This absence of time must be multiplied by two when it comes to finding spaces in common in a couple, even more so if there are children involved. It is not always easy to find a moment to unleash passions, but we must be aware that the favorable situation must be sought and provoked , because it is not always easy for it to arrive on its own. It is essential that everyone does their part, because there may be months left until the desired getaway can be made to a rural house lost by the hand of God.
They never make fun of each other
The jokes and humor can be a generator of good vibes in couples, but as long as these do not turn into sarcasm. The mockery, in addition to not sit well that is the object of it, often mask frustration or resentment . “This behavior never ends well,” says Mary , a woman who has been married to her partner for 17 years.
Do not criticize your partner
It is clear that constructive criticism is one of the best ways to get to know each other and reach common ground, but the prestigious author and psychologist John Gottman is clear that it has nothing to do with criticism with being critical with the couple .
The mockery, in addition to not sit well that is the object of it, often mask frustration or resentment of each other
The first is to start from a particular fact to explain an uncomfortable situation, the second is a general complaint, harmful and unsubstantiated. “It is not the same to tell your partner that you are worried because he has arrived late and has not called you, to abrogate him for what happened saying he does not think he is forgetful, but selfish because he does not think of you,” says Gottman.
They do not compare
“Marta has given this beautiful bike to Marcos, you do not give me those gifts”, maybe the example is somewhat exaggerated, but the reality is that it is not uncommon to resort to comparison to criticize the functioning of a relationship. The comparison does not have to be negative, but it should not be abused in relation to external agents. Each couple has their own rules and particularities, so it is smarter to compare oneself to another previous moment and look at how the relationship itself has evolved, rather than that of others.
They not only have affection for children
For a father, his children are his most precious treasure and his love is tremendously rewarding , but just as all the efforts of a couple should not focus on the activities of their children, neither should be reserved all the affection for them. Parental-filial love should never displace the couple.
Do not get stressed by discussions
Discussing is not something appetizing, of course, but it is not uncommon for a couple to have their pluses and minuses. A common mistake is to give more importance to these moments than they really have. There is no partner who can endure that each shock becomes a crisis that can end the relationship. If we stop to think, how many disputes are really important? In a healthy environment, friction must be seen as something typical of coexistence and, sometimes, it is not necessary to seek a solution. It is basic to detect the real problems and relativize the small disagreements.