Something as generalized as ‘flirting’, understood in its slightest sense, can nevertheless be a source of problems if it is poorly processed. Learn to understand it in a positive way

“You know it’s ridiculous to be jealous, because all they’re doing is talking. And even so, you perceive that your partner is being flattered by the attentions of that strange person and it hits you. No one can deny that being treated as if you were special, fun, sexy and intelligent is an ego rush, but when it is your partner who receives the attention, and not you, the effect can be disturbing. So describes Susan Krauss With bourne in his article “What to do when someone flirts with your partner, or worse” that common situation for which almost everyone has ever been, being on one side or another.

It is that moment in which a person who has always presumed not to be jealous and who believes that he can trust his partner is face to face with his insecurities, feels offended without being able to express it clearly (because it could be ridiculous and the defense the other is simple) and you have to rethink things you thought you were clear about yourself and your relationship: Am I really jealous? Can I really trust him / her? Have you got bored of me? In this respect, something as generalized as ” flirtation ” understood in its slightest sense can nevertheless be a source of problems if it is poorly processed. If it is understood positively, on the other hand, it may also provide us with important learning and a greater understanding of ourselves. If you are interested in designs for couple, you can see more in matching couple outfits.

Flirting, something innate in people

The certain thing is that to consider that something goes wrong simply because your partner flirtee is like thinking that something goes badly because the earth revolves around the sun. In a recent study entitled ‘ What Social Science can tell you about flirting and how to do it’  (‘What can science tell you about flirting and how to practice it’) published by the SIRC (Social Issues Research Center) reflects that ” flirting is much more than a simple moment of fun, it is a universal and essential aspect of human interaction. The anthropological study shows that flirting is found in all societies and cultures of the world: it is a basic instinct and part of nature: if we did not initiate contact and express interest in members of the opposite sex, we would not progress towards reproduction and we would become extinct . According to some evolutionary psychologists , flirting can be the foundation of civilization as we know it. ” Thus, as another similar article indicates, “after centuries and centuries of practicing it indiscriminately, flirtation has become instinctive even when its primary objectives have already been fulfilled”.

I’ve had thousands of scenes of jealousy for that nonsense that in the end is nothing more than a vitality trait

Does this behavior indicate that the person who practices it is trying to be unfaithful or have a problem of sex addiction? Not necessarily, although, of course, it does not directly indicate otherwise. “I remember my father flirting all his life,” recalls Andrea , a journalist, “and my mother seeing it as something inevitable, which almost made her grace within limits. Of course they were not attempts to flirt, but rather a mild, playful and almost indiscriminate thing that was aimed at reaffirming, to be admired and to gather energy in that process. And to have fun, I suppose. He was a somewhat older person already, but he had great appeal, and I guess everyone likes to remember from time to time that attractiveness works. It is self-esteem in vein. For the rest, they never had a problem of infidelity in 40 years of marriage , as far as I know. “

That would be the flirtation that experts consider to be normal , although from that moment on, a sympathetic partner is needed. “It’s hard to find,” reflects Andrea. “I am like my father, and my partners have never been as understanding with that trait of character as my mother was. I’ve had thousands of scenes of jealousy for that nonsense that in the end, for me, is only a feature of vitality. “

Flirting can be positive or negative. 

Fight flirting

Can an almost anthropological trait be attenuated, modified or eliminated? Experts agree that, in cases where it does not indicate a more serious underlying problem, such as an addiction to sex , the flirting person should be able to modify such action if he wishes or is required to do so. “I spoke with my wife,” says Juan, a lawyer, “because it always bothered me that he did it, although I fully trust him. It was something visceral. It bothered me. Now he controls it much more, but sometimes I feel guilty because who am I to function as a policeman in these things? I wish it had come out of her, I would not have had to tell her. “

Article Krauss seems, however, putting things in a dynamic of crime / punishment in which hardly consider that flirting can not be a transgression, and cites a study from the University of South Alabama where the psychologist Keri Jones is asks how you can learn to overcome the feelings of “guilt and having been deceived” that may come associated with this “variant of betrayal”. Leaving aside for another moment the discussion on the extent to which something so interwoven in our essential behavior may or may not be considered ” betrayal “, it is noteworthy that the study divides the “necessary” forgiveness into two types: the positive and the negative. In the first, you can observe the situation and your partner without feeling resentful or angry; in the negative,you seek revenge and your emotional life is filled with confusion. “In other words,” he concludes, “negative forgiveness is not forgiveness at all.”

An authorized social custom

It is interesting to return later to the IRC study, which treats the subject with a milder humor and a more open perspective and which points out truths such as “flirting is more socially acceptable at parties , celebrations and other social events. In some of them, a degree of flirtation is not only socially authorized, but even expected . ” He also emphasizes that “like any other human activity, flirting is governed by a complex set of laws not written on the label.” Understanding these rules can, without a doubt, be useful so as not to provoke in our partner all those feelings of insecurity and doubt that we talked about. In this regard, it is interesting to know that, according to these same experts, “men find it particularly difficult interpreting the more subtle clues of female body language and tend to confuse friendly behavior with a sexual interest. ” Let make a new impression with your partner by having matching couple outfits.

Sometimes I feel guilty because who am I to function as a police officer in these things?

“Well,” reflects Andrea, “maybe there is not much difference between a friendly behavior and a sexual interest on some occasions. The hard part is knowing when and when not. And also know when, although there is a sexual interest , it is better to keep it there frozen, at least for a while. There is a certain pleasure in that. Flirting is partly about that. Who does not have good friendships for years with whom you know that there has always been an unresolved sexual tension? ” Probably, she is lucky, despite everything, to have been born in an environment of refined customs and nothing moralistic, since, as the study indicates, “another problem is the bad reputation that flirtation has acquired in some especially Puritan cultures like the English or the American, making some of us so worried about a possible offense or sending the wrong signals that we have completely lost our capacity for an enjoyable and innocent flirtation. “